The Waiting Room

This could take a while...

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Silent Monster

Posted by Seeking Solace |

Husband accepted a new job this week. His current company is going downhill. He doesn't see things lasting much longer, maybe a year. He is really excited about this new opportunity because he was offered a job at the same time he accepted his position at his current company. He had given a verbal acceptance to his current company and did not want to go back on his word. When he saw that New Company was hiring, he contacted HR, who instantly remembered him. Long story short, Husband will be starting a new job, with an amazing company and he will be working on some really cool stuff.

I am so happy for Husband. He has been down in the dumps lately because of all the BS that is going on at his current job. Also, the interview process was more of the standard HR question-crapola that makes Husband want to have a root canal than talk about how he works with others. But, he made it through with flying colors. He is happy and excited. That makes me happy.

And, I can't help but be a little jealous.

 Does that make me a green eyed monster?

I feel like crap for even saying it. Husband deserves this opportunity. He is amazing at what he does. He will be working on projects that are not only in his skill set, but in an area that he enjoys doing. He is super smart. Honestly, if I was the HR person, and I did not know him from a can of paint, I would hire him.

I am jealous because I can't even get an interview for another adjunct gig. Hell, I barely even get an FU-rejection letter. I am depressed because teaching one online class while only taking on PhD class is just not enough for me. Nothing on PhD acceptance is going to change anytime soon because PhD Uni only does Fall admission. Assisting my prof with research won't happen until sometime next year as well.  I've been getting all of my materials ready for the December deadline, but that consumes only a fraction of time. And, it gets really boring doing GRE problems.

The job issue is out of my control somewhat, since most applications go to the virtual HR no-man's-land.  I do long for the days when there was a live person one could politely harass in order to get an interview.

My limited ability to get out and about doesn't help matters. Honestly, I feel invisible.


I don't want to say anything to Husband. Not because I don't think he would understand,  he would understand. I know him. He would be worried about me and how I am feeling sad/frustrated and he would try to make things better. I just do not want to rain on his parade. I don't want this time to be about me. It should be about him. Sadly, the only place that I feel even slightly comfortable saying anything about it is here.

And otherwise suffer in silence. 

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Survived

Posted by Seeking Solace |

Well, I survived...

The test was OK. As I expected, I did fine on the verbal, but so-so on the quantitative. On the plus side of things, Husband helped me raise my quantitative score five points. Mentor Prof wants me to take the exam again, to raise my quantitative score. I've heard rumors that there is a certain score that the program will accept, and I am not far from reaching that score. With that in mind, I am taking the test again next month.

You know what's funny? I am OK with taking it again. With all of my bitching, moaning and meltdowns over the entire process, I am really OK with taking it again. I know what I am dealing with and how to best attack it. Husband says he will help me again with the math, which I am VERY grateful, Mentor Prof says that she will put in a good word about me to the committee and tell them the effort that I am putting toward making all of this happen.

I did decide to forgo presenting at the conference that accepted my proposal. I just need to focus on prepping for Round 2. Also, I have a ton of work with the course that I am currently taking. And, I cannot forget about my lambs in the course that I teach. I just have way to much on my plate and something has got to go. It sucks that I won't be going, but since they are not going to publish my paper in their journal, going to the conference to only speak seems like a waste of time and money.

It's been a couple of rough weeks. But, it's midterm break right now. I will have a chance to recharge a little before next week when the world begins to get crazy. So, I am going to enjoy some breathing room for a moment, then hit the ground running.

Wednesday, October 01, 2014

Emotional Overload

Posted by Seeking Solace |

I had a major meltdown yesterday.

I've been studying rather intensely for the GRE. The last few days, in particular, were filled with drilling down the concepts for the quantitative section. I was making up for lost time, since my plans for preparing over the summer were a huge fail.  Math was never my forte, so Husband, who is quite the math guru, provided assistance by tutoring me. Everything seemed to be going well. I had made significant progress. But last night, I was somehow getting problems correct, but there were some minor calculation errors. Suddenly, I could not understand why things were wrong. Nothing seemed to make sense. Despite Husband's efforts to calm me and let me know that everything was OK, I fell apart.

I ran out of the room, locked myself in the bedroom and cried my eyes out.

Husband tried to follow me, but he thought it was best to let me be for a while. After an hour he knocked on the door and I was composed enough to talk about it. I was seriously contemplating not taking the test, even forgoing the PhD thing completely. I was feeling helpless, lost and even too stupid.

After talking it through, which included some more tears, I think my meltdown was a combination of information overload, my frustration/depression over stuff from the summer and my past issues with math, which have nothing to do with the concept of math, but with my experiences with being taught. We both agreed that I just need to quit studying for now and let all the information sink in and marinate. Perhaps, I needed to release of a lot of things...that's what the crying was about.

As I write this, it is super foggy outside. It's like pea soup. It's how I feel right now.

Today, I need to focus on myself and wait for the fog to lift.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Proverbial Question

Posted by Seeking Solace |

Yesterday, I had a meeting with my professor at PhD U. I asked to meet with her to discuss my topic for the final paper. I wanted to use the manuscript that I am writing for submission to a journal, which is also the basis for a conference presentation I am doing later this fall. Instead, she wanted to talk about where I was with the program application process. I told her I was scheduled to take the GRE next week. I have verbal commitment from two people for letters of recommendation. I told her that I was on track for having my application submitted by the December deadline.

Then she asked me something I was prepared to answer.

She wanted to know what my plans were after I earn my PhD.

In my defense, and I need one, I was not prepared to discuss that topic. My mind was filled with other things. I was giving a presentation in her class in an hour. I was thinking about the paper that I was going to write for her class, which was the purpose of the meeting, or so I thought. The last thing I wanted to talk about was where I am going to be once I finish my PhD.

But, it was a fair question.

I ended up falling back on my lawyer skills and gave an answer that was bedazzled with brilliance but full of total bullshit. Thinking back, I don't even recall what I told her. We talked about the practitioner vs. researcher tracks, particularly with respect to dissertation topics. She also invited me to volunteer to assist her with a major research project next semester. She offered to be a sounding board, mentor, whatever I would want to call it. We did get to talking about my paper, and I got a better sense of what she was looking for in that particular assignment. All in all, it was a good talk.

But, I could not get that question and my bullshit answer out of my head. I had all of these thoughts swimming around in my head. So much so that I had a hard time focusing on my presentation. Although, I got many compliments on my talk, I don't think I brought my "A" game because I just could not shake that question from my head.

What do I want to do with the PhD?

When I decided that I was going to pursue the PhD, my thought was that having the PhD, would lead to more job opportunities in academia. Long time readers know of my struggle with "just a JD".  But, I never thought about anything past that. I didn't have the stock answer to the proverbial question "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

 It's a fair question. I just need to figure out an answer that isn't bullshit.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Not Me

Posted by Seeking Solace |

As I was reading through posts on FB, I learned that someone that grew up with passed away. Post after post talked about what a wonderful person she was and how she was a friend to everyone who knew her.

Except me.


What I remember of this person was not the kind and sweet person everyone is gushing and reminiscing about.  I remember a mean girl who, along with her crowd, picked on and bullied Seeking Solace back in high school. 

Now, I know that was more that 25 years ago. I am not the same person that I was back then. People who know since undergrad are often surprised when I tell them about how I was bullied back in the day. I have worked very hard to erase the demons of that time, laying the past behind and let go of the ways that I've been hurt.

I  hope that this person changed and realized the error of her ways. Hopefully, she realized what she did was wrong. Perhaps she became a good person. I don't know.

I mean, I am not happy that she has passed. I would not wish death on anyone...EVER.

But, I cannot share in the grief-fest.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Searching...

Posted by Seeking Solace |

I have no idea where my motivation has gone. It's not like I don't have anything to do. I have tons of things that need to be done. But, even with my trusty To Do list, my motivation is lacking. I begin each day with good intent. And, most days, I am good. But today, even my usual tricks that help me get going are not working. And, I am usually ready to go after my morning run/walk with Junior. But, that hasn't helped at all.

Even writing this post is a painfully slow process.

I am not sure if this is a rut or if I am just bored.

Maybe, it's frustration.

Depression?

 A little bit of everything?

I do miss blogging on a regular basis. I think that when I am writing about what is going on in my crazy, mixed-up world, I am able to process what is going on in my head. Although, I am not sure if there are people out there who still read. But, then again, it's about processing. Having the support of a community of readers helps. I love having input from those out there who do read. But, again it's about trying to figure out all this shit that goes through my head.

Friday, September 05, 2014

40-Something Paradox

Posted by Seeking Solace |

I have often said that being in my 40's is fabulous. And it has been fabulous. I am in the best shape of my life. I am confident in many aspects of my life. I don't give a rat's ass of what people think.

But, there is one part of being 40 that is not so fabulous...being passed up or not being valued for your experience because of your age.

Husband is experiencing this at work. He is considered the "old man". He and two other guys are in their mid to late 40's. They have 20+ years of experience in the field. Yet, they are having to answer to younger guys who have little to no experience in the field.  In two cases, it's their first job. Needless to say, Husband and his buddies are frustrated because they see things that are wrong, yet management wants to go with what the young guys want to do. And, when Husband and the older guys try to show the younger guys the error of their ways, it is met with arrogance.

Needless to say, Husband is an unhappy camper. It could be that the HMFIC's at Husband's job are just being douchey. But, that does make the feelings less real.

 I've seen this too. I often wonder if part of the reason that I am being passed for jobs in my age. It doesn't take a math genius to see that on my CV, I am in my mid 40's. But, I often wonder if my experience is a detriment rather than an asset. Now, I am not saying that there is discrimination going on here. I can't prove it.

But, it does give me pause.

I remember when I began looking for attorney jobs. No experience meant no job. The rub was how does one get experience when you are not give to chance to get experience. Now, it seems the rub is how is one rewarded for their experience when those in power do not recognize the value in experience?

And, there lies the paradox.

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